Starting New

It's time to start anew. Of course it is, now that the new edition of the family is baking in my womb, everything takes on a new perspective. A new baby, a little extra heart beating in me; new responsibilities, new roles to play.
Now that we've heard the heartbeat, now that I can feel my womb firmly under my belly button, I'm finally allowing myself to feel more certain of the future, to take the baby's existence as a solid fact, not just a fragile dream that needs to be guarded in order for it to come true.
But can it really be that I am going to become a mother in a few months time? How can I? I'm still afraid to stay home by myself at night. I still feel like I'm stumbling through life searching for a direction. I still know so little about the world. There are so many things that I am unsure of. Yet soon, there will be a little person who would look up at me, trust me, and rely on me to guide him/her through life. Am I capable enough to lead him/her? Am I strong enough to protect him/her?
Is this what my mother was feeling? When I looked up at her with affection and complete confidence through my new born eyes, was she also scared and nervous? Now I think I can understand what it meant when she told me she approached motherhood with trepidation instead of excitement. She was a year younger than I am now when she had me, and she didn't have my father beside her to deal with such a drastic change in their lives. The worries that must have been going through her mind. I've always know that it was difficult for her, but I don't think I fully understand the scale of what she must be going through until now. With a child in me, going through a pregnancy of my own, I found myself seeing my mother from a new angle: I'm getting to know her again as but a fellow woman, a companion who has gone through similar emotions and share similar experiences. I can see her fears and worries more clearly now; as much as I already understand her, I am knowing her even better. We've came a full circle, and now I'm at the point of life where she was at when I first know her, a woman becoming a mother.
I know my mother was not perfect, but she provided me more than enough to go on with life. I know I am not perfect, and I hope I will be able to do as much for my child as my mother has done for me.