A mother's grief

A mother's grief over a lost child is one of the most difficult scenes to witness. A co-worker's husband came to the office this morning bearing the harrowing news that their youngest son passed away. Even though their son was already 40, to her, he was still her baby. "What are we going to do?" she asked her husband. He could only wordlessly answer her with a fierce hug. As friends, colleagues, and by-standers, the rest of us in the office were rendered helpless. Any words we utter and gestures we offer in a lame attempt to comfort her slid off her deep sadness like raindrops on a duck's back. How could you comfort a mother who just lost a child? We stood or sat helplessly as we watch her being washed over by sorrow, and shed our own tears silently with her.

I know death is an integral part of life. I've experienced lost of family myself. But as I grow older, fell and stayed in love, and now becoming a mother, I find myself fearing death more than ever. The deeper I love, the more I intertwine my existence with the ones I love, and the more vulnerable I become to the concept of death. The idea of losing someone that is a part of me, that is what makes my life full of meaning is unbearable. I know no one could avoid death, but that knowledge does not lessen my fear of it.

Someone told me "whatever God deals you, He knows you can handle." I believe that's true. I believe that every one has some secret strength stashed in them, only to be used in emergency situations. But sometimes... sometimes, I am not that sure anymore.

Pregnancy Weight

After a long time abstaining from scales, we finally brought one home to keep track of my pregnancy weight gain.
I have a very complicated relationship with weight and food. Once held in the throes of eating disorder, I panic at the thought of loosing control again. The tug-a-war between addiction and life that I struggled for years before I finally won was such a dark place; I wish no one would ever need to visit it. It was years before I finally regained control over my appetite, healthy eating, and my body's recognition of hunger and being full. And those years were a stream of hopeless days and heavy sorrows. I shudder at the possibility of ever visiting them again.
Now, as the baby grows in me, so does my appetite and cravings, which I sense with apprehension. It was the cravings that did me in years ago. It might be cravings for all the wrong reasons, but cravings nonetheless. And now the awakening of this familiar feeling scares me.
So far, I've been able to eat sensibly; but that is a conscious act that I need to keep up with. Pregnancy would not be an excuse for indulgence for me. Indulging may lead to slipping, and slipping leads back to binging and purging. Yes, I will be eating for two, but that will be eating healthy for two, and only as close to the recommended amount as I can, thank you very much. Yes, I am ready for the weight gain, but I am wary of it going out of my control.
Dealing with the appetite and weight gain is the biggest challenge that pregnancy has offered me so far. As every experience is new, I don't know how my body would change during the process. I have no idea what would happen next, and what I should prepare for. Unknowing makes the changes scarier. But I will deal. For the little one, I'll manage.
Now, speaking of the little one, when are you finally going to let mommy's belly pop out instead of just being plain thick? When are you going to let mommy finally feel really pregnant? When will you reward mommy with a tiny kick or a little fluttery sense from your movement? If mommy can feel you more, I'd be able to assure myself that it is all happening for you, and be less worried. I can’t wait for the day when I can feel you more.

Being pregnant

Pregnancy is a curious process to go through. From the moment of the conception, my body is still mine, but no longer mine, either; it has become the home of a baby. Whatever I eat is not only for me, but also to provide for this tiny human being. Whatever moves I do with my body, not only concerns me, but also with the little tenant within me. I, am officially more than me. I know human beings, Homo sapiens, are a kind of animal, no different than the ones we'd find caged in a zoo or running in the wild, but pregnancy made me feel closer to my animal root ever. It makes me feel primal to be really going through the most fundamental stage of life's cycle. To create, to nurse, to protect, to nurture. I imagine tiny veins in my body grow, branch, intertwine, and weave, to form the tiny limbs and bodies of my baby (my baby! Our baby!). Sometimes I imagine the baby as the fetus developing in Discovery Channel health shows. But sometimes, when my body twitches and tingles with unfamiliar feelings, I feel more akin to being the host of a foreign thing, like in the movies Alien, or Species. I think the feeling of carrying an alien might only grow as the pregnancy progresses; when the baby can twist and turn to change the shape of my belly. Soon enough, I'll look ready to explode. We'll see what that'll make me feel.

Starting New

It's time to start anew. Of course it is, now that the new edition of the family is baking in my womb, everything takes on a new perspective. A new baby, a little extra heart beating in me; new responsibilities, new roles to play.
Now that we've heard the heartbeat, now that I can feel my womb firmly under my belly button, I'm finally allowing myself to feel more certain of the future, to take the baby's existence as a solid fact, not just a fragile dream that needs to be guarded in order for it to come true.
But can it really be that I am going to become a mother in a few months time? How can I? I'm still afraid to stay home by myself at night. I still feel like I'm stumbling through life searching for a direction. I still know so little about the world. There are so many things that I am unsure of. Yet soon, there will be a little person who would look up at me, trust me, and rely on me to guide him/her through life. Am I capable enough to lead him/her? Am I strong enough to protect him/her?
Is this what my mother was feeling? When I looked up at her with affection and complete confidence through my new born eyes, was she also scared and nervous? Now I think I can understand what it meant when she told me she approached motherhood with trepidation instead of excitement. She was a year younger than I am now when she had me, and she didn't have my father beside her to deal with such a drastic change in their lives. The worries that must have been going through her mind. I've always know that it was difficult for her, but I don't think I fully understand the scale of what she must be going through until now. With a child in me, going through a pregnancy of my own, I found myself seeing my mother from a new angle: I'm getting to know her again as but a fellow woman, a companion who has gone through similar emotions and share similar experiences. I can see her fears and worries more clearly now; as much as I already understand her, I am knowing her even better. We've came a full circle, and now I'm at the point of life where she was at when I first know her, a woman becoming a mother.
I know my mother was not perfect, but she provided me more than enough to go on with life. I know I am not perfect, and I hope I will be able to do as much for my child as my mother has done for me.