Monday, April 13, 2009

Spiderman?

It's been more than a month since I last wrote you. It's not that I haven't think about you. Oh, no, you occupy my thoughts constantly, if not in the forefront, then taking up a large corner of my mind. Even your vigorous sister who fills the house with laughter, songs, and joy couldn't completely distract me from thinking of you, the quiet little one hiding in my belly.

Before last week, when we ask your sister what mommy has in my belly, she'd reply "baby sister." Following up that question by asking what she has in her belly, and she'd reply "baby brother." So there. I guess it's hard to decide whether a baby sister is better or a baby brother, so she came up a way to cover both bases. Starting last week, ask your sister what I have in my belly, she'd reply "Superman." And ask her what she has in her belly, she'd reply "Spiderman." Hm.... what is she trying to tell me of the future?

Today, you somewhat proved that your sister was right.

Today was a big day. It was supposed to be the day that we see you for the first time on the prenatal screening ultrasound, and listen in to your heartbeat. I've been just about kept on the edge of my seat waiting for these two appointments of utmost importance for weeks. For until now, I only had that six little white sticks (seven counting the one they did at the clinic) with that additional positive line telling me that you are here. (I do have an expanding midsection that hints at a baby bump, but that could also be from bloating or a cookie too many. It does not indicate your well being.) I was (and still am) really looking forward to some concrete evidence of your existence and to learn how you are. But as I was racing back from school for the ultrasound, I got a call from the ultrasound department telling me that two of their three machines broke down, and I will have to wait some more before we could finally see you. That's okay, I thought to myself, we still get to hear your heartbeat for the first time at our regular checkup. Not so. The midwife got right down to the business when she saw me, gooped up the doppler and went in search for your heartbeat. She searched, and searched, and searched. We heard a lot of mommy's heartbeat, strong and fast because of how anxious I was, but not yours. The midwife, however, told us she did hear you in passing, but you must be hiding in the back, and she couldn't get a clear spot to capture your heartbeat. So, Superman or Spiderman? I guess you are playing to be Spiderman today, hanging somewhere on the side of my uterus. I left the examination room without any release from my high level of stress (and high blood pressure). But I did carry home with me a glimmer of hope. The midwife said she heard you. I have no idea whether she was telling the truth or not, but I don't care. It was not much, but I will hold on to it as proof of you.

In a few more days, we get to try the ultrasound again. Please, little one, please, let me see you hail and well swiming about, and a strong heartbeat with a rythm of the galloping of a fine horse. That, is all I ask of you.