Saturday, May 19, 2007

Mother's day and motherhood

As we stepped into the ice cream shop after our long walk on the trail, I noticed the little sign plastered on the counter. "Mother's Eat Free" it says, and with a jolt, I realized that includes me.

Now this is silly, for I embraced motherhood the minute I was allowed onto its golden path. It was my dream come true, and I never gave a second thought when referring to myself as mommy when talking to and caring for my little one. But somehow, I must have thought of being a mom a special treat, and I only get to play one in certain places among certain people, like at home or in the mothers group that I go to, but not necessarily among strangers in the outside world. Then, as I stood in the busy ice cream parlor where other moms, confident and sure of what they are doing, herded kids in and out, I was recognized as a mom, too, at the counter by people who don't know me, and offered the free serving. Holding the ice cream cup, I felt like I was given a badge of honor, was told that yes, my membership is valid, and I am not only allowed in the sacred club, but can will stay a member throughout my life time. I, am a mother. And I, get to eat free ice cream on mother's day. How cool is that?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Saturday morning before Mother's day

I forgot that it's commencement at the College today. No wonder the Library is closed this morning. There's a wind pipe going. Are we a Scotish school? Lights are all dimmed except for the hall ways that I need to walk through. There were talks about the Library being haunted by the spirit of a sister. I am not going to think about that. I will focus on the bright blue sky and the lush green leaves of the maple tree right outside my window instead.

I am not in work mode. Found a bit of Macro code that I could use for an Excel sheet, applied that to my file, felt greatly accomplished, and am ready for a nap. Can't help it, little girl woke at 5:17am for some milk and play time. I was supposed to operate in silence, avoid eye contact, and put her down to bed with minimal interaction with her so she'd know it's not time to get up yet. But how could I not smile back and respond to her when she flashes the big, toothless smile at me that bespoke how glade she was to see me? So instead of crawling back in bed for some more needed rest, I read stories, changed diapers (two, she wet one and pooped in the other), pumped milk, and dozed a tiny bit while feeding her one more time before she fell asleep again. And now I'm at work. My eyes feel half their normal size, and my brain cries that it wants me to go sit under the big maple tree, gaze up at the swaying leaves under the bright blue sky and think of nothing. No, can't think of nothing, there is always my little girl to think of. That's what being a mother is like to me. My head my heart is always filled with the image of my little girl, the smell of her scent, the feel of her weight in my arms, and the warmth of her skin against mine. Maybe she's taking a nap now, and the sight of her sleeping angelically in her swing with her arms resting on her thighs comes to mind. Maybe she's playing with her daddy, and the sound of her cooing and images of her waving her small hands, exploring stuffed animals with her delicate fingers while her legs kicked strongly fill my head.

It is almost exactly one year since the pregnancy test showed positive of her. I remembered how I climbed back to bed to share the news with her daddy, and afterwards, we lay there in silence, both awashed in waves of emotion. I trembled as a quiet joy swelled in and filled my heart, as the realization of the tremendous responsibility of motherhood that I would soon take on dawned on me, as excitement and nervousness warred themselves into silly giddiness. And then, my belly started showing. And then, the baby started kicking. And then, we were in the hospital and this tiny little person came out of me and she looked at us and ate from my breast and I became a bona fide mommy. Never would I have imagined how beautiful our little girl is, how wonderful she makes life, and how amazing caring for her and watching her grow can be. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I didn't even know how great being a mother truly is.

Day after mother's day last year, she let us know of her existence. I've been thankful for it ever since. I don't need mother's day to celebrate motherhood. Being a mother is rewarding enough in itself. Sure I'm sleep deprived so much so that I couldn't think straight most of the times, and my memory has gaps as big as teathing rings; sure my hair is always a mess and chances are I smell like spit-up; sure the house is in disarray and the number of things that need organizing is too great to even start a list for them; but the little girl makes it all worth while. She makes it mother's day every day.