Pregnancy Weight

After a long time abstaining from scales, we finally brought one home to keep track of my pregnancy weight gain.
I have a very complicated relationship with weight and food. Once held in the throes of eating disorder, I panic at the thought of loosing control again. The tug-a-war between addiction and life that I struggled for years before I finally won was such a dark place; I wish no one would ever need to visit it. It was years before I finally regained control over my appetite, healthy eating, and my body's recognition of hunger and being full. And those years were a stream of hopeless days and heavy sorrows. I shudder at the possibility of ever visiting them again.
Now, as the baby grows in me, so does my appetite and cravings, which I sense with apprehension. It was the cravings that did me in years ago. It might be cravings for all the wrong reasons, but cravings nonetheless. And now the awakening of this familiar feeling scares me.
So far, I've been able to eat sensibly; but that is a conscious act that I need to keep up with. Pregnancy would not be an excuse for indulgence for me. Indulging may lead to slipping, and slipping leads back to binging and purging. Yes, I will be eating for two, but that will be eating healthy for two, and only as close to the recommended amount as I can, thank you very much. Yes, I am ready for the weight gain, but I am wary of it going out of my control.
Dealing with the appetite and weight gain is the biggest challenge that pregnancy has offered me so far. As every experience is new, I don't know how my body would change during the process. I have no idea what would happen next, and what I should prepare for. Unknowing makes the changes scarier. But I will deal. For the little one, I'll manage.
Now, speaking of the little one, when are you finally going to let mommy's belly pop out instead of just being plain thick? When are you going to let mommy finally feel really pregnant? When will you reward mommy with a tiny kick or a little fluttery sense from your movement? If mommy can feel you more, I'd be able to assure myself that it is all happening for you, and be less worried. I can’t wait for the day when I can feel you more.