Surviving the first day

It's late. I should be asleep in bed, instead, I'm replaying the day in my head over and over again, wondering if I did good enough as a parent.

Today is the first day I spent alone with my two little girls. By the end of the day, though the beds were left unmade, and the laundries are still in the drier waiting to be folded, the house was other wise miraculously intact. The girls were both fed and clean, their physical needs tended to as best I can. Lauren only had one poopy diaper that I did not get to immediately, and Evelyn only had one potty accident that occured when I was busy changing Lauren. And, I got to take a three minute shower! So all in all, it should be a pretty good day, except that I feel like I've cheated Evelyn out of a lot of mommy attention. When Lauren was awake, I was only able to lay her down for a few minutes before she demands to be picked up again. When Lauren is asleep in her crib, I'm busy taking Evelyn to the potty (or pursuading her to go), cleaning up behind her, making lunch for her, and, finally, fit in a few minutes to sit with her. I try to be a part of everything she's doing, but it seems that I'm doing so by constantly nagging her. "Pick that up", "put that down", "wash your hands... and nothing else", "eat your lunch", "go to sleep", "hurry up", "slow down", "come on over", "get out now"... it seems that I am full of commands and negative statements. There are times when she would come to me with a book, and I would try to read to her holding the book in one hand, and rock Lauren with my other arm. Then the baby would begin to cry and fuss, and I would have to stand and march. Evelyn was left with my appologies and a promise that we'd resume reading once Lauren calms down. But when I was finally able to put Lauren down, Evelyn may be off to something else, and I've missed that golden moment for some quiet cuddling. There were other times when Evelyn would ask for hugs, such as after she completed a time-out, or when she bumped her leg, and all I could give her was a half sided, one-arm hug because Lauren is taking up half of me. I try to make those hugs as full as possible, try to convey how much I love her by squeezing her tight, but I don't know if that's enough to make up for what I wasn't able to give her.

I know adding a second child to the family means a whole lot more work, I know Evelyn would not be able to get mommy fully as she used to, and I expected the challenge of making myself euqally available to both girls. But I don't think I fully understood what it entailed before Lauren was finally in my arms. I know I can only try my best. I just hope that my best is good enough, and that both girls would know, and feel, how much I love them.

It's all about bodily functions these days

Yes, I am an experienced parent with a healthy and happy (most times, when she's not busy refusing food or resisting potty training) two and an half year old. I've gone through the change, feed, burp, walk to sleep routines of taking care of a new born aplenty. But three-weeks-old Lauren is reminding me of the amazing effects a baby have on one's daily life that I've conveniently forgotten when awaiting her.
Such as the amount of laundry I need to do. One little person, and all of a sudden, our laundry has tripled due to, say, the four-shirt night during which her spit up soaked through four T-shirts of mine. Or the morning that I had to launder every piece of fabric in the bathroom because, after an "Oh my gosh did she just shoot poop that far?" incident, I found myself saying "Holly Batman! How did the poop get there?" at every turn in the bathroom.
There's also the number of wipes and diapers that we consume. I think new diapers evokes, in a baby, the urge to go. Numerous times would I be putting a fresh diaper on Lauren when all of a sudden, liquids and more surge forth. If I'm lucky, I'd have contained it within that wasted diaper. If not, here's another reason why the laundry pile keep growing. Speaking of diaper changing, I cannot help but have to mention the time when, stripped naked and poised over her bath water, she managed to pee on and on and on and on, pulling a Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, creating a little puddle at my feet. And that is after getting half of my shirt and jeans wet. How much water can a little baby hold? Apparently a lot.
Little baby Lauren, she never seizes to amaze me. Most amazing of all is how she, like her sister, makes my heart ache with love simply by being here. She need not do much, but just gaze up with her big eyes, a little frown upon her brows, and I melt. Such is the power of a child.