Writing to you now makes you a little more real. You are there in me, right? Can you hear my thoughts?
Nausea, tiredness, restless nights, and extreme gas pains. All the glories of being pregnant. All the joyful glories, and I'm not being sarcastic. Being at so early a stage, there's little for me to tell how you are doing, except for these discomforts that come with being pregnant. So, any symptom, big or small, as uncomfortable as it makes me, is welcomed, and I suffer through them gladly.
You should be about a couple of days shy of seven weeks along. Perhaps the size of a grain of rice? Just the size of a grain of rice, but it seems like I've grown already. My belly bulges out a bit, just under my bellybutton, where the womb should be. The little bulge may be invisible to others, but knowing my body, I'm quite certain of its existence, of your existence. How are you doing in there? Are you getting enough nutrient? Am I rested enough for you? Have I prepared a nice enough environment for you to be in? I must confess that I have not really thought of you as a baby much, mostly out of the fear of losing you. I am also less obsessed about being pregnant. This time, I didn't hover on pregnancy boards, didn't even dare start a pregnancy counter until today. This time, I'm also much more patient and able to hold you as a secret. As if keeping the secret close to my heart would help you stay and grow and claim your place in the world. As if by keeping you a secret, I'll be able to keep us both strong and ward off, as Chinese saying goes, jealously from heaven and ill luck. When I was carrying your sister, I counted days and felt like each day dragged by. With you, though I'm still counting days, it's mostly to track how time has progressed, and am just content to go one more day with everything seemingly happening as it should.
Dear one, with your sister to distract you and my school work hovering over my shoulders, I might not be able to devote all my thoughts to you, but know that you are constantly on my mind, like a little seed that's been planted deep in my heart.
